Who are we?

I don't know if you've noticed, but much of what I write on here is due to interesting things that friends of mine bring up, different ideas that they think of, and then I just expand on it, in this case the topic brought up was our goals.

A friend and I were talking, discussing what our life goals are. We both shared 3 life goals, mine were:

1. have a family, wife and kids

2. have a job/career that I love, not just one that I like because I get paid to do it, but one that if I weren't getting paid I would still do it for the love of it

3. to glorify God in everything I do.

Now, that alone isn't really blog worthy, however it is the thought that followed this conversation that made me want to share. How much do you think that it is our goals in life that shape us into who we are today? How much do my goals of the future govern what I do today?

Let me unpack this a little bit. In regards to my own goals, here is how it breaks down. I want a family, so if there is a girl I like I am going to pursue her, date her, marry her, and then have children with her. I want a career that I love, so I am studying a topic that I love, I love leading people in worship, so I'm going to school to learn how to do that more effectively so I can do that as a career. Lastly, I want to glorify God in everything I do, so I am going to go to church and classes that will teach more about the God I love, how to better serve Him. I'm going to read His word and talk to Him on a daily basis, unceasingly if you will.

You've heard what you do defines who are, you've also heard how you do it defines how you are, and also you've learned who you are defines what you do, but now you add the thought of what you want to do defining who you are. Wow, so confusing, how will we ever know who we are?

Well, unfortunately I think it's a mix of all of these things. I think what we do shows people what our desires are, how we do it shows people our character, and what we want to do shows people our heart, all of these things being defined by who we are. All of the above is meaningless if it is not done because of who we are. Who we are defines what we do, how we do it, and what our true goals are. We cannot put borders on who we are, we cannot define who we are by what we do, we are who we are outside of all these things. Sorry for not helping you figure out who you are, but that's something we all have to do on our own. Look at your goals in life, that will help. Look at how you do things now, that will help. Who we are defines who we are.

But, let me return to the original conversation, what are your goals in life? Let me say this, if you know what your goals are, follow them. Don't do something because it will make you more money, or because it is easier, you are not going to be any happier, you'll probably me more depressed. Follow your goals, follow your heart, and don't fool yourself, don't tell yourself that having more money is really where you're heart is, we both know it's not, where you're heart is may lead to more money, but i don't think it's the only thing that God wants for you.

Again, I don't know if this is all right, in fact I may be way off base, I don't know what God actually wants from you, tell me if I'm wrong in what I've written, I just want you to think about things.

Think hard my friends.

-Matty

Correction

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that original sin was not brought on by fear, Adam sinned because he had a desire to be more like God, which is very true. So I thank Kyle for pointing that out to me.

I also want to point out that fear isn't always necessarily a bad thing. We all fear different things, it is what we do with that fear that determines what happens next. We can either accept our fear as is and give it to God, letting that fear strengthen us to do what we need to do. However, we can do what I said before, letting that fear lead us to sin, into disobedience of God.

The beautiful thing is that God will help us with our fear, we just have to ask Him. He leaves it up to us to turn our worries upon Him, which is something that takes courage in itself. So great.

God, you are so good. Thanks you.

Fear

What I am going to talk about may be completely incorrect, and if so I am sorry, and please bring it to my attention, however, please note that when I am talking about fear in this blog, I am talking about a sinful fear, I am not talking about a righteous fear of God, but rather a fear that God is not good enough. - M.E.

I have a thought, this thought was brought to my attention when I went to church on Sunday night and the pastor asked us to have some discussion around our tables. A number of questions to get us going were put up on the screens, and one of those questions was something like "what is your favourite part/least favourite part of Christmas". A few answers went around the table, and a common theme, in both the fav and least fav categories was family. As the discussion continued we started to talk about why we did, and yet did not like seeing our families, and a big part of it was the confusion, the arguments and fights that take place, so that led to a discussion of emotion, where emotion comes from, and I input the idea that much of our negative emotion, that such as hate, comes from fear, in fact, a lot of the negative things that we do evolves out of fear; racism - a fear of people different from us, you could say the same of sexism, envy - a fear of not being as good, and so it goes.

One of my best friends recently blogged about idolatry and the fact that it is not just the worship of gold statues in the Old Testament, but rather it is the placing of things higher than God, that it is the placement of security, status, satisfaction and stability (as he said S4) in a place of higher importance than our Father. I believe that this is something that can sprout from fear. We fear that we won't have a good enough job to support our family so we overwork ourselves to make sure our families are in good position, we fear that we are not popular enough so we do whatever we can do be 'cool', and all this is sin. I'm not saying that those are not important things, it is important to be able to support your family, and it is important to have friends, however it is our placement of those things over our blatant need and desire for God that is the sin, a sin which I believe can be traced back to fear.

I'm going to say something bold, and when I do such a thing I am really saying that I am going to say that I am about to say something in which I want other people to comment on, I want people to question me, or support me, on. Tell me what you think of this. I think that all sin can be traced back to fear. Let me say that again, all sin can be traced, followed back to a fear of something.

Sin, deliberate disobedience from the will of God, going against God, can generally said to be caused because somebody was afraid that God's way wasn't good enough, that His way wasn't right, that it wasn't enough for them. That's fear. That's a fear that what has been given to you isn't right. But, is His name not "I AM"? Does not God say in His very own Word "Do not fear for I am with you" (Isa 41:10), "In GOD I will trust, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID" (Ps 56:11), (I will fear no evil for You are with me" (Ps 23:4). We have nothing to fear for GOD IS WITH US! We have nothing to fear for GOD IS!

Returning to the topic of idolatry, I believe that my own idolatry is caused by my fear that God's way won't please me like my idol of the moment will. I see myself saying "well, God is great, but He can't bring me joy like this new xbox game does", or "God makes me feel good, but not as good as looking at this does". That's wrong. That's my fear that God isn't enough, and that is SIN. And you know the only person who can help you overcome this fear? God. That's who. As I referenced before "Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you in My righteous right hand". (Isa 41:10). Does this sound like someone who can take away all of our fear? I think so, now I just need to act on it, and so do you.

What do we do now? We turn to God. We pray that He will take away our fears. We ask Him to take away that belief that He isn't enough. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Mt 11:29-30)

So, in closing, fear the Lord, He is the only one worthy to be feared. Do not fear for S4, do not fear that He is not enough, for HE IS, "I AM" (Ex 3:14 & Jn 8:58). Cast your fears upon Him so that you may fear only Him.

In Him

Matty

Friends

All I want to say right now is that I would be so lost without my friends, my boys, keeping me in check. I love that they ask how I'm doing and that the expect me to answer honestly. I love that when they ask what they need to pray for I can tell them and still have them love me just as much. I need their love and support as much as I need my families. Thank you, friends, for keeping me in check, for telling me when I'm in the wrong, for discussing the deeper things of life with me, and for being there, for loving. God has put us in each others lives for a reason.

In Him

Matty

What am I Doing?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you went, "what the hell am I doing?"? Well, I'm having one of those moments, right now, this very instant. Actually I've been having that moment all day. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm confused. But I guess right now this doesn't make sense so I'm sure that if a person were actually reading this they'd like to be able to make sense of the situation, so let me try.

Okay, so, back in February I started to like a girl, because that's what boys do, like girls. And, well, I liked this girl and as some would say I 'pursued' her, as in I hung out with her in hopes that she might start to feel the same about me, well she said she didn't. We were friends, and that's all, but we continued to hang out after that as friends, which we probably shouldn't have done. After I told her I liked her she thought we probably shouldn't hang out anymore, me, in my stupidity, said that 'no don't worry about it, you won't lead me on, I know where you stand.' Girls, if a boy ever says that to you...he's lying. So, we hung out, I felt like I was being led on when really it was my fault the entire time.

Anyways, summer came. We stopped talking as much and I thought that I was over her and attempted to start talking to other girls, hoping that something would happen with them, but I never got deeper feelings for these girls, all of whom are now close friends which I am thankful for, but non-the-less, my feelings for them never developed into more.

One night I was talking with a friend and my cousin simultaneously about how I am in the friend zone, the eternal friend, and how I can't seem to get out when it hit me, I am in the friend zone right now because I'm choosing to be, I am presenting myself as a friend to all of these girls since 'the one'. And I realized that I am doing this because I haven't gotten over the girl I thought I got over.

Now, today, I told this girl about my realization. And now I don't know why. I feel as if it's one more 'thing' in her life that she has to deal with now, and she has enough going on. I feel as if this may have influenced a very important decision she made, a decision that maybe wasn't right. So now she is stuck in a place of not knowing what she's doing, of what's going on, and here I am adding to the chaos, maybe even creating some of the chaos. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut? What was I doing? Did I do the right thing in telling her? I don't know. I'm so utterly hopeless when it comes to girls. I struggle, no, I have gone above and beyond the category that my friends and I call a struggle, I have come to the point of fail. I fail when it comes to girls I like. I become useless.

What am I doing?

The Friend

So, I was thinking, I don't like the friend zone. In fact, I hate the friend zone. The last few times I have liked a girl, and confessed so, I have been informed that I am engrained firmly into the dreaded place that us guys like to call the friend zone. That place where you want things to go further, but she doesn't want to 'do anything that could threaten the friendship we have' or 'can't see us being more than friends' or whatever. It sucks. I mean, ya, having girls that are good friends is great and all, but a female friend will never compare to one of my guy friends. Ever. (sorry girls).

What I want is to get out of the friend zone.

Okay, I've heard everybody say that ya I'm young, have lots of time, but I don't care. I want that someone that I can hold. That I can be everything for. I want to be someone's lullaby.

It's frustrating you know? When every time you think that you're ready for more, ready for a relationship, ready to open up and tell somebody how you really feel they shoot you down, tell you that you're just friends. i hate it.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering, this hasn't happened in a while.I've become rather callused. hard. I explained it to a friend like this: my heart has become similar to the fingertips on my left hand. From playing guitar those left fingertips have been used so much that they've become hard, callused, and no longer carry much feeling. My heart is following in those footsteps. From being used so much, and from being shut down, all those little wounds are starting to callus. My heart is becoming hard. I have stopped thinking that 'hey, i might have a chance here!' and have started giving up before getting started. When meeting any new girl I tell myself that we will never be more than friends and try as hard as i can to not like her, and if, on the odd occasion something breaks through my barriers i stuff it. i tell myself there is no chance and to quit while i'm ahead. and, if the girl starts liking me i have told myself that she can't actually, we're just friends, there's no way this is for real, and end up hurting her. it's stupid. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like i'll be nothing more than a friend, like i'm nothing more than friend material.

This all leaves me feeling very weak. I feel useless, helpless, worthless. I'm weak. I'm on the verge of tears as I write this. I feel so unwanted. Why can't I feel wanted?

Okay, separate but very connected thought. Feeling hopeless is possibly the worst feeling in the world. It runs very close to the feelings of being completely lonely and then that of being unloved, which is one step farther from being lonely. it's like lonely's older brother. Feeling unloved is the jerk of the crappy feelings family. The one that kicks you in the balls and leaves you helpless. Unloved is the one who lets you out the door of the jeep in the middle of the woods so you can take a leak and then drives off and doesn't come back for you. Hopeless, however, is the depressed sister. Hopeless mopes in the corner and never leaves the house. Nobody ever wants to get stuck with hopeless. Unloved is reckless, lonely is desperate, but hopeless, well, hopeless has no hope. The worst is when you get hopeless and unloved in the same boat. Then you're screwed.

Anyways. Feeling hopeless. How I feel right now is hopeless. The feeling that I'm never going to be more than friend material for a girl. The feeling that I am the eternal friend is a feeling of hopelessness. The feeling that you'll never be enough for someone is that of hopelessness. The feeling that you'll never be good enough is one of hopelessness.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't always believe all that stuff about myself. I don't always think so lowly of myself, I mean, I do think I'm the eternal friend, however I don't always think that i'm not good enough, and I do think that eventually I'll find the right girl, and normally I'm pretty good at being patient. But right now, tonight, at this minute, I feel hopeless.

I hate this.

It'll be better by tomorrow, i promise.

I'll tell you how i feel come the morning light.

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