What am I Doing?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you went, "what the hell am I doing?"? Well, I'm having one of those moments, right now, this very instant. Actually I've been having that moment all day. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm confused. But I guess right now this doesn't make sense so I'm sure that if a person were actually reading this they'd like to be able to make sense of the situation, so let me try.

Okay, so, back in February I started to like a girl, because that's what boys do, like girls. And, well, I liked this girl and as some would say I 'pursued' her, as in I hung out with her in hopes that she might start to feel the same about me, well she said she didn't. We were friends, and that's all, but we continued to hang out after that as friends, which we probably shouldn't have done. After I told her I liked her she thought we probably shouldn't hang out anymore, me, in my stupidity, said that 'no don't worry about it, you won't lead me on, I know where you stand.' Girls, if a boy ever says that to you...he's lying. So, we hung out, I felt like I was being led on when really it was my fault the entire time.

Anyways, summer came. We stopped talking as much and I thought that I was over her and attempted to start talking to other girls, hoping that something would happen with them, but I never got deeper feelings for these girls, all of whom are now close friends which I am thankful for, but non-the-less, my feelings for them never developed into more.

One night I was talking with a friend and my cousin simultaneously about how I am in the friend zone, the eternal friend, and how I can't seem to get out when it hit me, I am in the friend zone right now because I'm choosing to be, I am presenting myself as a friend to all of these girls since 'the one'. And I realized that I am doing this because I haven't gotten over the girl I thought I got over.

Now, today, I told this girl about my realization. And now I don't know why. I feel as if it's one more 'thing' in her life that she has to deal with now, and she has enough going on. I feel as if this may have influenced a very important decision she made, a decision that maybe wasn't right. So now she is stuck in a place of not knowing what she's doing, of what's going on, and here I am adding to the chaos, maybe even creating some of the chaos. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut? What was I doing? Did I do the right thing in telling her? I don't know. I'm so utterly hopeless when it comes to girls. I struggle, no, I have gone above and beyond the category that my friends and I call a struggle, I have come to the point of fail. I fail when it comes to girls I like. I become useless.

What am I doing?