What I want is to get out of the friend zone.
Okay, I've heard everybody say that ya I'm young, have lots of time, but I don't care. I want that someone that I can hold. That I can be everything for. I want to be someone's lullaby.
It's frustrating you know? When every time you think that you're ready for more, ready for a relationship, ready to open up and tell somebody how you really feel they shoot you down, tell you that you're just friends. i hate it.
Oh, and just in case you're wondering, this hasn't happened in a while.I've become rather callused. hard. I explained it to a friend like this: my heart has become similar to the fingertips on my left hand. From playing guitar those left fingertips have been used so much that they've become hard, callused, and no longer carry much feeling. My heart is following in those footsteps. From being used so much, and from being shut down, all those little wounds are starting to callus. My heart is becoming hard. I have stopped thinking that 'hey, i might have a chance here!' and have started giving up before getting started. When meeting any new girl I tell myself that we will never be more than friends and try as hard as i can to not like her, and if, on the odd occasion something breaks through my barriers i stuff it. i tell myself there is no chance and to quit while i'm ahead. and, if the girl starts liking me i have told myself that she can't actually, we're just friends, there's no way this is for real, and end up hurting her. it's stupid. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like i'll be nothing more than a friend, like i'm nothing more than friend material.
This all leaves me feeling very weak. I feel useless, helpless, worthless. I'm weak. I'm on the verge of tears as I write this. I feel so unwanted. Why can't I feel wanted?
Okay, separate but very connected thought. Feeling hopeless is possibly the worst feeling in the world. It runs very close to the feelings of being completely lonely and then that of being unloved, which is one step farther from being lonely. it's like lonely's older brother. Feeling unloved is the jerk of the crappy feelings family. The one that kicks you in the balls and leaves you helpless. Unloved is the one who lets you out the door of the jeep in the middle of the woods so you can take a leak and then drives off and doesn't come back for you. Hopeless, however, is the depressed sister. Hopeless mopes in the corner and never leaves the house. Nobody ever wants to get stuck with hopeless. Unloved is reckless, lonely is desperate, but hopeless, well, hopeless has no hope. The worst is when you get hopeless and unloved in the same boat. Then you're screwed.
Anyways. Feeling hopeless. How I feel right now is hopeless. The feeling that I'm never going to be more than friend material for a girl. The feeling that I am the eternal friend is a feeling of hopelessness. The feeling that you'll never be enough for someone is that of hopelessness. The feeling that you'll never be good enough is one of hopelessness.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't always believe all that stuff about myself. I don't always think so lowly of myself, I mean, I do think I'm the eternal friend, however I don't always think that i'm not good enough, and I do think that eventually I'll find the right girl, and normally I'm pretty good at being patient. But right now, tonight, at this minute, I feel hopeless.
I hate this.
It'll be better by tomorrow, i promise.
I'll tell you how i feel come the morning light.
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