What am I Doing?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you went, "what the hell am I doing?"? Well, I'm having one of those moments, right now, this very instant. Actually I've been having that moment all day. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm confused. But I guess right now this doesn't make sense so I'm sure that if a person were actually reading this they'd like to be able to make sense of the situation, so let me try.

Okay, so, back in February I started to like a girl, because that's what boys do, like girls. And, well, I liked this girl and as some would say I 'pursued' her, as in I hung out with her in hopes that she might start to feel the same about me, well she said she didn't. We were friends, and that's all, but we continued to hang out after that as friends, which we probably shouldn't have done. After I told her I liked her she thought we probably shouldn't hang out anymore, me, in my stupidity, said that 'no don't worry about it, you won't lead me on, I know where you stand.' Girls, if a boy ever says that to you...he's lying. So, we hung out, I felt like I was being led on when really it was my fault the entire time.

Anyways, summer came. We stopped talking as much and I thought that I was over her and attempted to start talking to other girls, hoping that something would happen with them, but I never got deeper feelings for these girls, all of whom are now close friends which I am thankful for, but non-the-less, my feelings for them never developed into more.

One night I was talking with a friend and my cousin simultaneously about how I am in the friend zone, the eternal friend, and how I can't seem to get out when it hit me, I am in the friend zone right now because I'm choosing to be, I am presenting myself as a friend to all of these girls since 'the one'. And I realized that I am doing this because I haven't gotten over the girl I thought I got over.

Now, today, I told this girl about my realization. And now I don't know why. I feel as if it's one more 'thing' in her life that she has to deal with now, and she has enough going on. I feel as if this may have influenced a very important decision she made, a decision that maybe wasn't right. So now she is stuck in a place of not knowing what she's doing, of what's going on, and here I am adding to the chaos, maybe even creating some of the chaos. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut? What was I doing? Did I do the right thing in telling her? I don't know. I'm so utterly hopeless when it comes to girls. I struggle, no, I have gone above and beyond the category that my friends and I call a struggle, I have come to the point of fail. I fail when it comes to girls I like. I become useless.

What am I doing?

The Friend

So, I was thinking, I don't like the friend zone. In fact, I hate the friend zone. The last few times I have liked a girl, and confessed so, I have been informed that I am engrained firmly into the dreaded place that us guys like to call the friend zone. That place where you want things to go further, but she doesn't want to 'do anything that could threaten the friendship we have' or 'can't see us being more than friends' or whatever. It sucks. I mean, ya, having girls that are good friends is great and all, but a female friend will never compare to one of my guy friends. Ever. (sorry girls).

What I want is to get out of the friend zone.

Okay, I've heard everybody say that ya I'm young, have lots of time, but I don't care. I want that someone that I can hold. That I can be everything for. I want to be someone's lullaby.

It's frustrating you know? When every time you think that you're ready for more, ready for a relationship, ready to open up and tell somebody how you really feel they shoot you down, tell you that you're just friends. i hate it.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering, this hasn't happened in a while.I've become rather callused. hard. I explained it to a friend like this: my heart has become similar to the fingertips on my left hand. From playing guitar those left fingertips have been used so much that they've become hard, callused, and no longer carry much feeling. My heart is following in those footsteps. From being used so much, and from being shut down, all those little wounds are starting to callus. My heart is becoming hard. I have stopped thinking that 'hey, i might have a chance here!' and have started giving up before getting started. When meeting any new girl I tell myself that we will never be more than friends and try as hard as i can to not like her, and if, on the odd occasion something breaks through my barriers i stuff it. i tell myself there is no chance and to quit while i'm ahead. and, if the girl starts liking me i have told myself that she can't actually, we're just friends, there's no way this is for real, and end up hurting her. it's stupid. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like i'll be nothing more than a friend, like i'm nothing more than friend material.

This all leaves me feeling very weak. I feel useless, helpless, worthless. I'm weak. I'm on the verge of tears as I write this. I feel so unwanted. Why can't I feel wanted?

Okay, separate but very connected thought. Feeling hopeless is possibly the worst feeling in the world. It runs very close to the feelings of being completely lonely and then that of being unloved, which is one step farther from being lonely. it's like lonely's older brother. Feeling unloved is the jerk of the crappy feelings family. The one that kicks you in the balls and leaves you helpless. Unloved is the one who lets you out the door of the jeep in the middle of the woods so you can take a leak and then drives off and doesn't come back for you. Hopeless, however, is the depressed sister. Hopeless mopes in the corner and never leaves the house. Nobody ever wants to get stuck with hopeless. Unloved is reckless, lonely is desperate, but hopeless, well, hopeless has no hope. The worst is when you get hopeless and unloved in the same boat. Then you're screwed.

Anyways. Feeling hopeless. How I feel right now is hopeless. The feeling that I'm never going to be more than friend material for a girl. The feeling that I am the eternal friend is a feeling of hopelessness. The feeling that you'll never be enough for someone is that of hopelessness. The feeling that you'll never be good enough is one of hopelessness.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't always believe all that stuff about myself. I don't always think so lowly of myself, I mean, I do think I'm the eternal friend, however I don't always think that i'm not good enough, and I do think that eventually I'll find the right girl, and normally I'm pretty good at being patient. But right now, tonight, at this minute, I feel hopeless.

I hate this.

It'll be better by tomorrow, i promise.

I'll tell you how i feel come the morning light.

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So Much for Wind Power

So, right now I can't sleep. Or, maybe now I'd be able to, but half an hour ago I really couldn't, so I was playing guitar, and as I played a new song formed, first chords, then some lyrics came. However, it being 3:30am there is a very big possibility that these words don't make sense.

Anyways, this song is called "So Much for Wind Power"

Hey there princess where are you going?

I'm so lost inside those pretty eyes

So where you going, I think I'll go there too

Am I lost going against the grain?

Pushing against a wind that revolts my name

But I've been known to fight the cause that's insane

But all I'm saying is that all I really need

Is some sympathy, none of this room to breathe

So smother my heart and make me hope to die

Bleeding out ashes and everything I've never tried

I'm a man who's to afraid to die

To try and reach out and hope to touch the sky

So grab my hand and help me keep reaching beyond

I'm surrounded by so many people

I Become impatient to leave myself behind

Please remind me to take myself along

But all I'm saying is that all I really need

Is some sympathy, none of this room to breathe

So smother my heart and make me hope to die

Bleeding out ashes and everything I've never tried

But all I'm saying is that all i really need

Is some sympathy, none of this room to breathe

So smother my heart and make me hope to die

Bleeding out ashes and everything I've never tried

Why am I doing this?

You know, I used to keep a journal, I would write in it pretty devoutly for about a week, and then I'd start to slip, writing in it about twice the next week, once the week after that, once two weeks after that, and then I'd stop. Two months later I'd pick it up, say I would do it again, but then the same thing would happen. So I've given up, I don't really care any more, which leads me to wonder why I am doing this? Here's a few reasons why I'm not sure about why I'm writing this right now.

First off what says that I will actually write more than just one post? What if this is my first, my last, my only post on this blog? Did I just waste all that time setting up this profile?

Secondly is anybody even going to read this thing? Am I just being selfish and thinking people will actually read this when really I'm just taking up space on the internet?

Third, this is pretty personal. I mean, sometimes you read posts that are like a page straight out of someone's diary. That's deep. That's intense. Do I really want people to see this much into my mind?

Well, here's an answer or two. I don't really care about the first point. Who care's if I actually write more than one blog, it's worth a shot. And as far as anybody reading this? Well again, I don't care. I think I do this more for myself, to vent, to say something than for other people to read it. I could care less about whether or not somebody is gonna waste their time reading what I have to say, after all it is poorly written and will most often be about nothing.

Lastly, about the personal diary type crap, well, I'm a song writer. When I write lyrics they are often very personal. They are about my relationships, my pitfalls and failures, my successes and everything in between. So, if I can sing songs for people about my personal life, why not write about it? I often find my journal writing to be far less personal than my song writing, so I'm pretty sure this will be the same.

I think that the real reason I'm doing this is to help my song writing. I think that if I sit down and blog out my feelings and my thoughts then maybe I'll find it easier to know what I'm really thinking, thus making it easier to write in prose what I'm thinking/feeling. Maybe if my brain is a little lighter from unloading all my thoughts here than it will be easier to listen to what my heart is thinking.

That's an interesting thought.

What if we can only really listen to our hearts if all the junk that's sitting up in our brains gets unloaded? What if we need to keep our head clear if we want to listen to our hearts. I want to listen to my heart. I've always been the type to follow my heart instead of my head, but maybe that hasn't worked out because my brain is to full of crap, of useless junk, to many thoughts. Maybe I think to much. I don't know. Just a thought.

Anyways, this is a blog, I am just a line in a song, and it is over. For now. We'll have to wait and see if I write anymore.